Oh bitterness...

I've been thinking about bitterness lately.

And by that I mean that in the past 12 months I have worked through a lot of bitterness.

And reflecting back on things and talking with friends and mentors, I have developed some thoughts that have been helpful to me and others and I would love to share them with you.

Bitterness is defined in a number of ways:
1. unresolved revenge
2. drinking poison and hoping someone else dies
3. anger, hurt or resentment because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment

The Christian Scriptures state that the root of bitterness defiles many.

Bitterness: Not something that I would say that I would like to be a part of my life.

Until it does.

And at times it even feels good.

To pay someone else back by witholding myself from them.

Until you wake up and realize how alone you have become.

Because you have devalued many of the people and things around you.

In order for bitterness to remain, one must devalue people and things in their lives.

The way I see it, bitterness is a vow to not be hurt again.

And in my experience, bitterness can go undetected for quite some time.
Because bitterness is the choice to blame others for the condition of your life.
And so if everything is someone else's fault, what can be wrong with you?
You are doing just fine. It's everyone else who is the problem.

Bitterness? What bitterness?

And so the cycle continues.

It begins with the perception that someone else has caused your life to be the way that it is
(Rather than taking personal responsibility for who you have chosen to become)
{more on this later}

So that is where it begins. You were hurt.
Now I want to be clear in my communication here. Crystal clear.
I am not saying that nothing anyone does should not hurt.
Nor am I saying that it is your fault that someone did something hurtful towards you.

I am saying you have a responsibility for your belief system resulting from the events that have happened in your life.

You were hurt.
You realized that it didn't feel good to be hurt.
You vowed (to some degree) to not be hurt again.
You withheld yourself from others.
In order to withhold yourself, you devalued others. (you have to devalue them because if you value them, then they might be able to hurt you, and you are committed to limiting hurt in your life.)
So you devalue people and things.
You become cynical.
You are distrustful of others and become disillusioned with life.
Therefore, you choose to not show up and fully give yourself to others. You withhold yourself.
And therefore, you miss out on connecting with others.
Because you are trapped in your perspective (people can and will hurt you).
Because your perspective is safe (at least that's what you tell yourself).
And if you did truly give of yourself and receive from others, that would make you vulnerable.
And vulnerability is a bad thing, as it exposes you to the potential of being hurt.
And you are committed at all costs to not being hurt.
And so you hurt others by witholding from them.
Yet it's their fault. Because they or someone else life them (another human) hurt you.
And then you arrive at loneliness wondering why.

I have been there.

Waking up each morning feeling like you are in some sort of psychological washing machine with too much bleach, not knowing which direction is up nor having any idea where the door is because if you did you would do anything to kick it open and jump out...wishing for the days of old when you thought you knew yourself. When at least you had your innocence...

Hoping you will awaken one day and realize you were in a dream and everything is now fine.

And then the days turn into weeks, into months, into years.

You realize this is life. This is reality. No waking up from this.

You wonder if there is any hope. Could things get better? You ask yourself.

Everything you thought you knew seems to have deceived you.

And after a while, perhaps you come to the realization that it is time for something new.

At this point, you are likely willing to try anything.

Where do you start?

Here are my thoughts:

You are going to have to start by getting clear on how you have contributed to your life as it is currently.

Discover who you are currently bitter towards or disconnected with.

Get crystal clear about how you have contributed to the disconnect in the relationship.

Schedule a coffee date with them.

Begin the coffee date like this:

Admit to them that you have become bitter towards them.
Disclose to them how you have allowed your judgements of them to cloud your view of them.

At this point, I imagine you are getting a bit uneasy. You may have given up on me. But I ask of you, stay with me. I have been there. Before I had one of these conversations, I felt like I was going to throw up and pass out and have a seizure all at the same time. I ask you to consider how your current way of being has left you lonely and frustrated.

Recommit to do whatever it takes, at all costs, to rediscover yourself.

After you have acknowledged what is on your mind, ask for forgiveness.

Once forgiveness is extended, express your desire for a new relationship with the person.

One that chooses authenticity over cordial hypocrisy (aka acting if everything is always fine even when it is not)
Curiosity over judgment
Possibility over limitation
Love over condemnation
Fully giving of oneself over withholding
Compassion over anger
Clarity over confusion
Connection over disengagement
An unprecedented future worth having over rehashing past frustrations and hurts
Confession over pride
Hope over despair


Express your desire for this and then commit to it.

If they agree, then you have broken through to something new.

If they don't agree, there are some things to think through...
Maybe a chance to try again with the conversation or perhaps choose other friendships that can be founded on the values you are committed to.

Every part of me hopes you will choose something new.

Every day. Something new. A new way of Being. Hoping. Living.